I regret to inform you of a decision that has recently been made that may affect your revenue and bottom-line projections for the foreseeable future. Despite being an avid supporter and frequent customer of your diet beverages for the past fourteen years (and of your non-diet beverages for years before that), I have decided to go a different direction with my life, or at least, the beverage drinking aspects of my life.
It's not you, it's me. I hope you believe me when I say that I have the utmost respect for you and what you offer to the public. Long have I defended you against the slanderous cries of naysayers on health-themed witch hunts. Long have I refused to put stock in the rumors perpetrated against that sweet sweet aspartame.
More than once have I turned towards your products in a time of need looking for comfort and consolation, and they did not disappoint. You've always been there for me, but I'm afraid that I can't be there for you anymore.
The simple truth of the matter is that I just love your sodas too much. I can't get enough of them. To quote Singin' in the Rain, if I may, "All I do is dream of you the whole night through. With the dawn, I still go on dreaming of you. You're every thought, you're everything, you're every song I ever sing. Summer, Winter, Autumn, and Spring."
I love them so much that it hurts. Sometimes literally, sometimes not. Sometimes to the point where I get frequent headaches - either from not drinking any water and being dehydrated or from going a day without soda and suffering from caffeine withdrawal. Other times, just so far as to make any excuse to get myself a soda - usually resulting in me buying fast food meals that I don't particularly want just because I didn't have any sodas at home.
I've grown dependent on those cans and bottles and have finally realized that that's an unhealthy relationship to be in.
And so, after much deliberation and soul-searching, I think it would be best for me to cut my ties completely.
Someday, maybe, I'll be able to reintroduce your delicious beverages into my life again without going overboard, but for the time being, I think it's safest if I kept my distance.
I'll miss you.
P.S. Don't worry, in all likelihood, I'll be back soon.
Do you have any not-actually-that-terrible vices that you're trying to give up? Have you questioned why Dr. Pepper and Coca-Cola would read a letter together? Is there any situation in life to which Singin' in the Rain doesn't pertain?
And for your entertainment, the youtube clip of the aforementioned song from Singin' in the Rain.